This is a line from a conversation I had with a “veteran” client I had last week – by veteran I mean we’ve worked together for twenty years by now. And I was talking about me.
For me ADHD brings great highs, positivity, and the ability to take things on others wouldn’t even consider and smash them out of the park on a regular basis. I can multi task easily when I’m interested in something and am at my coolest when things are most challenging – even my heart rate slows. I can have the energy to complete tasks in half the time of others, the creativity to come up with half a dozen solutions for any problem, and choose which is best in a matter or minutes. I’m probably the most resilient person you know.
BUT…. And it’s a big but….
The lows are a huge problem and something I’m learning to accept, talk about and ride out rather than mask and let build up into volcano like scale. Acceptance and openness speeds recovery (well according to my ADHD coach – who’s amazing BTW) so you can blame him for this post aimed at helping others to understand.
When the lows hit a brutal combination of imposter syndrome and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria take over everything.
Most people understand imposter syndrome – feeling like an intellectual or professional fraud – let’s be fair this isn’t the most helpful thing as a Chartered Accountant working who generally only works on higher level work now!
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria however isn’t that known about – it’s linked to ADHD but not necessarily exclusive to it. It interferes with your body’s ability to regulate emotions with relation to rejection or negativity and makes them much more extreme – this leads to you feeling rejected, a failure and alone. A nasty trick for your brain to play when you’re not on top form!
It makes me feel “needy” – horrendous for someone who’s so independent. Also sad, over sensitive, hopeless and alone (alone! Something that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I have a very strong support network at home but also with friends and colleagues).
Right now, today, that’s where I’m at. And that’s OK. Plus – no longer do I think this is depression for me – this is ADHD and needs to be seen as such and not misdiagnosed and mis treated.
I need to look at the positives in the situation. The more episodes of this since ADHD diagnosis in January 2024, the more I can identify the causes, and the more likely I can lower the impact and shorten the period of suffering, with practice. Plus the opportunity to talk about it and perhaps others.
To recoup I know I need less people, so I’ll shrink my circle for a bit, work from home more and get some quiet to rebuild the energy levels – also get outdoors as nature restores everything for me. Picture of how I want to get back to feeling – on top of the world!